The following features are sure to have some sort of use for someone on the planet. I have no use for any of them and therefore find them useless. In the course of any Apple event there is bound to be fluff, but I will always be here to put it down and generally denigrate it. Here are a bunch of useless features announced as part of the iPhone 3.0 release and why they are useless.

Paid apps will have the potential to be subscription fee-based, and can include optional paid content that can be bought from right inside the app.

- “Oh my gosh here is the greatest app I have ever seen” screamed the iPhone user with glee. “ but it’s subscription based, another monthly fee...” . The iPhone user moves his eyes 7 centimeters to the Left and notices that an exact Clone of the same app with a onetime cost. “Oh joy! I will buy this one” . Six Months later no one can find a subscription based app, unless it’s sold by Fox news or Microsoft!

Tethering is built into 3.0, and Apple will work with carriers on that -- who will have the last say on its implementation, most likely.

- If we leave this up to the carriers, assuming you can’t afford $800 for an unlocked phone, it will never happen or it will be too expensive for anyone that’s normal.

Parental controls for TV shows, movies and App Store apps

- Any parent that trusts their child with an iPhone should not have to put a filtering mechanism on the TV shows for sure, and what in the App Store is offensive in the first place. Oh no fart machines, does anyone think of the children? What shameful developers.

App Store will be available in 77 countries.

- It was already in the US so I’m good!

A new app called Voice Memos which lets you record notes and reminders.

- Wow, that is the most un-amazing feature on the planet. I think I was really into leaving myself voice messages while I was writing songs for my 1988 acclaimed punk band “ The road to nowhere , might go somewhere”. You may notice our band name was ironic. That automatically makes us awesome. Oh, where was I ? Oh yeah, Voice Memos Suck!

A revised Stocks app, with news stories and a landscape view.

- I think anyone that actually needs to know something about stocks will connect to the internet, 3G is useful for something, Then go to a really advanced stocks website. I think some moronic college kids might use this to impress some girls though.

YouTube account support

- I can’t think of a good reason to login in to you tube from an iPhone. Someone , has just reassured that this is useful, because you can access subscriptions when you login. I hate you tube so I still say it’s useless.

Phishing protection

- Only people over the age of 43 should need Phishing protection and people who have an extremely low IQ. Basically, if you can remember to charge your iPhone you should be safe from Phishing attacks.

Part One: Features We Should Already Have

Part Three: The Best of The Best